CURSE of THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER

Jon Denver had experimented one too many times with his liquor. If he didn't drink enough, he'd dream about his high school teacher, Miss Faye. If he drank too much, he'd dream about his first pet, Down-Boy, a golden retriever. Tonight he drank too much. Lying on his coupon-strewn floor, a barrage of dog images - little Down-Boy yipping and yapping - bounced off the walls of his mind. He always thought the dog looked half-human under his golden brows (reminding Jon of Jo-Jo, The Dog-Faced Boy, whom he'd once met at one of P.T. Barnum's booze-filled circus events). As Jon drifted off, he cued some 1001 Strings music in his head...to bid farewell to his childhood canine companion. Soon Down-Boy would blur with low-down boy, a curse that repeatedly haunts Jon Denver.
© BILL BLAIR 2010

PERFORMANCES NIGHTLY!

Schwang and Schwing were performing Sea Monkeys, captured off the coast of Tching Lang-Lee Island in 1953. To make them more appealing to theatre-goers, their tails were surgically removed at Rosemont Medical Center. Dr. Richard Skillings, who performed the operation, was quoted at the time: "It was a difficult procedure, but the tails came off quite cleanly and I expect the little ladies' balance to return to normal in relatively short order." Schwang and Schwing's manager, Professor Horace Gilbert, made a small fortune off the pair, as they then toured Europe and the Americas - filling scrapbooks with their tales.
© BILL BLAIR 2010

HELL HARBOR

Once rated "Most Charming Harbor" by Armchair Traveller Magazine, the port of St. Francis had grown chillingly quiet this June. Back in March, the town physician, Dr. Stanley Proctor, had returned from a Thai vacation with "one hell of a bug". By April, the virus - undiagnosed - had spread throughout the population. By May, the townsfolk were dropping like flies. Remarkably, Dr. Proctor survived, along with just three others: Tom Bell from The Corner Hardware, Susan Holden from the post office, and Lenny Shore from the harbor authority. To celebrate their survival, the four set sail on Lenny's yacht for a champagne brunch at sea. Once past St. Francis Point, however, a major squall hit - sending the provisions overboard, and turning the happy campers into prune-faced partygoers. Two days later, the provisions - including a bottle of Moët & Chandon - washed ashore on nearby Richter Island, where they were discovered by the resident lighthouse keeper, Sharon Coulter. Feeling blessed, Sharon ran into her house with the bottle and popped the cork. The next day she came down with a "hell of a bug".

© BILL BLAIR 2010

SOMETHING. A FOOT.

On Easter Sunday, while watching the puppies frolic with Mr. Mojo - their childhood stuffed bunny - Stan Reason and his sister Janet lamented the disappearance of lucky rabbits' feet from the selection of keychains and rearview-mirror danglers found at 21st century dollar-store counters.

© BILL BLAIR 2010

THREE FEET TO THE WIND

The first human foot - still laced into its Converse All-Star sneaker - washed ashore in March. Then in June, Bob Stanley spotted a second foot - also a left, and belonging to a male - between the rocks and shore at Fervor Beach. By mid-Summer, a third left foot had been discovered along the same beach. Everyone in the town of Beals Point seemed to be having no difficulty in walking. No one had reported a missing foot. So, where were they coming from? Bob scanned the shore each day, hoping to find the answer.
© BILL BLAIR 2010

THE NICOTINED ROOM

After reading the complete poems of Avery Finch, Madeline Forrest felt sad. She lay naked on her green velvet chaise, recalling the last line of the poet's greatest work, Shell Shock Shoreline: "When at last against the rock my heart pounds". Tears began to stream down her cheeks. And as she cried, so did the room. All around her, the walls dripped down drizzles of brown nicotine stains. Souvenirs of a lifetime of smoking. What goes up, thought Madeline, must come down.

© BILL BLAIR 2010

THE EAGLES HAS LANDED

Juan Alcatraz was a master serenader. His repertoire was so great, he was known throughout Guadalajara as Mister Music. Ask him to play Stevie Wonder's "Boogie On Reggae Woman" and the cords immediately would fire up. "Like a Virgin"? Any song at all - no problem. Arriving for the Fiesta del Agave Azul, maestro Juan placed his fingers on the metal strings before belting out at the crowd: "Welcome to the Hotel California". Any time of year, you will find him here.

© BILL BLAIR 2010