HELL HARBOR

Once rated "Most Charming Harbor" by Armchair Traveller Magazine, the port of St. Francis had grown chillingly quiet this June. Back in March, the town physician, Dr. Stanley Proctor, had returned from a Thai vacation with "one hell of a bug". By April, the virus - undiagnosed - had spread throughout the population. By May, the townsfolk were dropping like flies. Remarkably, Dr. Proctor survived, along with just three others: Tom Bell from The Corner Hardware, Susan Holden from the post office, and Lenny Shore from the harbor authority. To celebrate their survival, the four set sail on Lenny's yacht for a champagne brunch at sea. Once past St. Francis Point, however, a major squall hit - sending the provisions overboard, and turning the happy campers into prune-faced partygoers. Two days later, the provisions - including a bottle of Moët & Chandon - washed ashore on nearby Richter Island, where they were discovered by the resident lighthouse keeper, Sharon Coulter. Feeling blessed, Sharon ran into her house with the bottle and popped the cork. The next day she came down with a "hell of a bug".

© BILL BLAIR 2010

SOMETHING. A FOOT.

On Easter Sunday, while watching the puppies frolic with Mr. Mojo - their childhood stuffed bunny - Stan Reason and his sister Janet lamented the disappearance of lucky rabbits' feet from the selection of keychains and rearview-mirror danglers found at 21st century dollar-store counters.

© BILL BLAIR 2010

THREE FEET TO THE WIND

The first human foot - still laced into its Converse All-Star sneaker - washed ashore in March. Then in June, Bob Stanley spotted a second foot - also a left, and belonging to a male - between the rocks and shore at Fervor Beach. By mid-Summer, a third left foot had been discovered along the same beach. Everyone in the town of Beals Point seemed to be having no difficulty in walking. No one had reported a missing foot. So, where were they coming from? Bob scanned the shore each day, hoping to find the answer.
© BILL BLAIR 2010

THE NICOTINED ROOM

After reading the complete poems of Avery Finch, Madeline Forrest felt sad. She lay naked on her green velvet chaise, recalling the last line of the poet's greatest work, Shell Shock Shoreline: "When at last against the rock my heart pounds". Tears began to stream down her cheeks. And as she cried, so did the room. All around her, the walls dripped down drizzles of brown nicotine stains. Souvenirs of a lifetime of smoking. What goes up, thought Madeline, must come down.

© BILL BLAIR 2010

THE EAGLES HAS LANDED

Juan Alcatraz was a master serenader. His repertoire was so great, he was known throughout Guadalajara as Mister Music. Ask him to play Stevie Wonder's "Boogie On Reggae Woman" and the cords immediately would fire up. "Like a Virgin"? Any song at all - no problem. Arriving for the Fiesta del Agave Azul, maestro Juan placed his fingers on the metal strings before belting out at the crowd: "Welcome to the Hotel California". Any time of year, you will find him here.

© BILL BLAIR 2010

RED HOODIE'S REVENGE

With a taste for revenge, Roger Soufflé had replaced the hockey puck with a replica explosive device. For the past six months, the Youngash triplets had teased the red-hoodied Roger - calling him names like "little red riding hood" - on his way home from school. Dr. Soufflé, his father, was an ace inventor with an eye for detail and an evil willingness to assist. None of the boys had noticed anything peculiar about the replica puck. In ten minutes, it would explode - finally making Roger's harassers see red.

© BILL BLAIR 2009

OVER EXPOSURE

It was the mattress fire, started by her cigarette, that alarmed the front desk, consequently calling firemen (and later police officers) to her suite at the Stapleton Hotel. Ex-stripper, Sherry Dupree, down on her luck - and up on alcohol - lay naked and passed out on the sheets. When the smoke had cleared, Miss Dupree was pronounced dead. Under her bed, the officers found a stash of 238 empty bottles of cheap spiced rum.

© BILL BLAIR 2009